July is my birthday month. As I grow older I tend to reflect a lot more. My desire to become the best version of myself is what keeps me motivated on this journey of life. That being said, this pandemic has really tested my resolve. I shared with you about my struggle with past trauma. Little did I know, until this pandemic, how much that trauma has negatively impacted my life.
“The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.” ~Thales
This quote has never rang more true for me than these past few months in the midst of sheltering in place. The realization of different events, situations, and emotions that trigger this past trauma has been astonishing. It has brought me to my knees in both tears and gratitude. Tears too, finally, understand what’s been happening to me and gratitude to know I can get help and move on from these often debilitating moments in my life. It’s incredibly hard work. Probably the hardest work I’ve ever done – getting to know myself. Sounds so simple and pleasant, doesn’t it? In a world where everyone and everything is trying to make you someone else or, at best, like everyone else, making a commitment to truly know yourself is a difficult endeavor. Some people have called me courageous.
In those moments (and sometimes days) when I find it difficult to function I don’t feel so courageous yet, our willingness to face our trauma, our shameful past, our failures, and learn from them – that is true courage! You see, in order to heal from our trauma one must first be willing to be re-traumatize – be willing to take two steps back to take one step forward. It’s small progress yet, progress nonetheless. As I continue on this journey of healing I’m reminded that healing takes time, and so does not healing. We must choose how we spend our time wisely.
Although the realization of how the trauma has wreaked havoc in my life and in my relationships was overwhelming, I’m so incredibly grateful to now have that awareness and to be able to seek help and take measures to overcome the burden it’s become.
“The worst kind of brokenness is the kind that you don’t know you have.”― Amy Neftzger, The Orphanage of Miracles
Living in the midst of COVID has, undoubtedly, been difficult, I encourage us all to look for the silver lining and the blessing this season has brought to each of our lives. I truly believe the blessings are there and I pray that we all have eyes to notice them!
And remember, “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” ~Jim Rohn